Sleep Pooing

On a ski trip a few years back, I had the top bunk, my mate had the bottom bunk. He has a habit of talking in his sleep after a night on the booze - but what was to come was way beyond sleep talking.

I awoke in the night to what I thought was water leaking in through the window. After several seconds I realised it was coming from below me, and looked over the edge of the bunk to see my mate holding on to the ladder of the bunk bed, squatting down having a piss (!?). As it was dark I asked him what he was pissing into - he said he didn't know. Still half asleep, I thought this was a reasonable answer. Until the smell hit me.

I leaned over the bed again and asked if he was sure he was just having a piss, as I could smell something far dirtier. Sure enough he'd laid a dog egg on the carpet in the middle of the room, and had been pissing all over his phone and radio on the floor beside the bed.

At this point he 'woke up', suddenly aware of his predicament. I turned the light on so we could see his mess, at which point he simply said "Shit!" in disbelief at what he'd done. I of course pissed myself laughing and ran downstairs to get the camera, while he went to the toilet to 'finish off'.

By the time I got back upstairs he was collecting his bum cigar off the floor, luckily it was a nice solid stool and came up without any residue. He gave up alcohol for a month.

Is there anywhere I can post the photo?

Oh gosh

Just remembered another one. The peril of living in a shared house...

When I used to share a house I'd often cook large amounts of stuff so that I could eat it for the rest of the week.

One Monday I cooked a huge pan of chilli which, if I say so myself, was pretty damn good. So good infact that I ate the whole lot, 4 nights worth, in one sitting before going to bed feeling very fat but happy.

The next morning I awoke desperate for a poo. So desperate that walking down stairs was difficult.

Unfortunately the one bathroom in the house was busy. One of my housemates was in there, in the bath, listening to her radio on headphones.

I knocked. I knocked again. No answer. I bashed on the door - she must have been asleep or something as there was no reply.

So I returned to my room and paced for a bit. Something needed to be done and fast. In fact, things were getting so desperate now that the thought of going down the 6 steps to the bathroom again were just too much for my poor bowels.

So I got the local paper, spread it out on the floor of my room, then released the largest pile of poo I've ever seen in my life onto it in one huge steaming pile. I swear it was a greater volume than the original chilli.

It felt amazing. It smelt somewhat worse.

After about half an hour, my housemate left the bathroom still listening to her headphones and I was able to sneak the large newspaper bundle in and try and fit it into the toilet.

(It took a good 5 minutes of bashing with the toilet brush and 3 or 4 flushes before it finally went. For a while I thought I'd blocked the thing forever and would then have to explain to the landlord why the loo was full of sodden newsprint and poo)

On the way to France on the ferry once

And my mate was 'took short' thanks to the choppy sea. He ran into the bogs and five minutes later he appeared with a big smile on his face. "You have GOT to see this" he said as he led us all into the bogs.

Now, my mate swears it wasn't him, but imagine taking a bucket of diarrhea, sticking a blasting cap on the underside hitting the detonate button. The cubicle had shit on the walls, shit on the cistern, shit on the floor, the seat, the bowl, the door - shit everywhere.

Some poor sod had seriously had their back doors kicked in that day.

And to this day I have no idea why I didn't take a picture and submit it to ratemypoo.com.